yeah, about that...

I'm pretty sure that saying is supposed to be all philosophical and enpowering but my body spits out any batch of Chicken Soup For The Lame. Instead this instantly registers in my Douchebaggeral Lobe of my brain and the fancy things that give me mental orgasms, come to mind. I think that the ultimate shopping happiness will be achieved from items that can only be bought with a BLACK AMEX swipe. Or at least I've told myself that since the things I obsess about are things only M.C. Hammer could afford circa before he went broke and started selling cd's in the subway. Either way, these are the "everything"'s that I currently want need in my life.

1. Burberry Prorsum Spiked Leather Handle Nylon Umbrella - $995.00  Luisa Via Roma

Because it rains two times a year in San Diego and I can't afford to not do rainy days right!  I am from San Francisco after-all and I can't be outdone by an idiot Southern Californian bro lactating Muscle Milk Protein. Fuck. That.

2. Balmain Full-Grain Leather Biker Jacket - $4,335.00 Mr Porter

James Dean always rocked a leather jacket. Enough said. 

3. Weekend Beauborg GM - $1,690.00 Louis Vuitton

I want people to know that I'm someone tres importanté when I'm on the go, even though in reality I just paid $78 bucks to sit allllllll the waaaayyy in the last aisle near the aircraft pissers on South West. But for all fellow peasants know, I'm a jet setter.

4. TOM FORD Tabacco Vanille Eau de Parfum - $280.00 Nordstrom

I personally know that this is actually Mr. Fords collected sweat. DEBAUCHERS. HEAVEN.

5. David Yurman 8.5mm Black Diamond Pave Ring - $2,850.00 David Yurman

Makes me feel like I was in Blood Diamond alongside Leo and we took down the bad mothasuckahs but secretly I stole some diamonds (hey, don't judge).

6. Violette Gold Suede Fredapoitiers - $1,282.00 Christian Louboutin

Hamish Bowles, you aint the only gent with some Loubs! Other than that, I'm hoping it gives you a contact high when you lick them. Acid trip much? Please!

7. World Time Ref. 5130/1G-10 - (undisclosed)  Patek Philippe

I'd wear it on my many excursions to fancy establishments like M.C. Donalhd's, Tarjét,  and WalMarche. I'm fancy.

8. Marmoset Monkey - smuggling don't cost a thing ;) The Monkey Temple(?)

Choupette Lagerfeld, who?? Monkey friends are definitely where it's at. I'm an innovator. I'll be naming him Dunstoncito in hopes that he'll pick up after the monkey in Dunston Checks In and steals diamonds/mancessories for me. That's real love. 

Now, if only AMEX would return my 850 million calls for a forced invitation to their Illuminati BLACK AMEX brotherhood (seriously, JAY Z, I've bought ALL your albums... you owe me by putting in a good word for me!!!), my everything will be achieved. Perhaps I shall start one of those online petitions since apparently they've worked favorably for PETA. Mhhhhhmmm. Wish me luck.

image(s) via mr porter, louis vuitton, patek phillip, neiman marcus, louboutin, david yurman, googles,

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